There is nothing “small” about our adult church group or the work I believe God is doing within our group. Yesterday, I told a friend I was cooking dinner for them as if Jesus himself would be at the table, as I often feel His presence when we gather. I was in such a glorious mood, reflective of my relationship with Him.

While I love our time of fellowship, my heart rejoices when we get to in-depth study of His Holy Word.  These are spiritual leaders in our lives and discussing scripture with them brings it all the more to life.  It’s downright invigorating.   Our current study is all about reconciliation.  It’s a sensitive and complex action which requires God, forgiveness, trust and respect.    Forgiveness and including God are the easy parts.

Last night, I cried like a child in our small group.  Despite the fact I am prone to tears when truly moved, this is not a small thing.  I didn’t just share tears, I felt like my soul was bleeding out in the middle of our friend’s beautiful home.  It hurt more to consider my tears could be ruining a perfectly lovely evening with people I love so deeply.  I left feeling both uplifted and drained, joyous and sad, clear and confused.

Suffice it to say, there is a deep hurt in my heart for which I have been struggling.  The conflict is both biblical and personal.

Our group prayed over me and that made the tears flow freely.  Heck, I am brought to tears just typing this out.  Still, I am being guided to write it down.  Share it to the best of my human ability and move forward.

Last night I flipped to   1 Chronicles 5:20

20They were helped in fighting them, and God delivered the Hagrites and all their allies into their hands, because they cried out to him during the battle. He answered their prayers, because they trusted in him.

This morning, I flipped to Psalms, for the first time in months.  I will write more when the tears aren’t impacting my ability to type.

Lord, I love you.  I ask you keep your hand on my heart and on my words.