My heart is heavy today. In truth, it’s been heavy for over a week.  I have tried to find my comfort in Him and in prayer with little success.  A series of unrelated events have heaped more and more angst on my heart. 

Like I told a friend via text, between my kidney not being “good enough” and so many other things not being “good enough”, it was especially tough to have a joyous moment also not “good enough”.   It wasn’t the 120-ish hours or the 120-ish dollars which weighed me down, it was the hurt so freely flung at my efforts which tipped the scale.

The saddest part is that I allowed it to tip the scale.  It’s like seeing a freight train coming and standing right in front of it.  I knew it was not going to be good and I still could not move.  It makes zero sense.   It also made zero sense that others would find fault in not receiving a gift they wanted zero part in giving.

Logically, intellectually and spiritually, I know the things of this world do not matter.  Still, love DOES matter. Loving in action and deed is why we are here.  We are here to love because He loved us.    So, when we invest all of ourselves into love, it’s exponentially more devastating, perhaps, when it is harmed in any way. 

Maybe that is just some self-serving argument with myself to find peace.  “I was right to obey and love and they were wrong to be petty and selfish.”    I want so much to find the righteousness in it but that is only in Him.   Lord, please help me and give me the strength, clarity and discernment to heal and move forward. I can only do that with you.  In Jesus name, amen.