This will not make sense to anyone else, but I need to write out some bullet points of things He has put on my heart at 2 am.

The struggles I have had the past two months are physical, emotional and spiritual.  I have not been faithful in my relationship with God.  I have tried, failed and tried again.  He has constantly pulled me back in and shown me His way, His truth and graciously shared His light with me.  Without Jesus, I know things would have been far worse.  In so many ways, God has used tragedy, hurt and heartache of others to remind me how He may want to use me.  Again, it happened today with reaching out to Mary about her son.  Thank you, Lord, for showing me that I can be used, even if I am feeling otherwise.

I have seen God at work with Vicki and Rachel.  I have been reminded He is working His way closer to each of them and am grateful He has used me in any way.  I should have written about the joy in seeing Vix’ new dining room with Peace, Love, Joy and Faith, as well as the cross above her door.  Huge Win for God!

Mark and I have still had our Godversations, just not as often. There is no blame, no fault.  We are human and fall short, far more often than either of us would like to admit.  But, I am always grateful for nights like last night, as we watched a Tim Tebow interview talking about John 3:16, after Clemson won the National Championship.  Thank you, Lord, for using something as simple as football, Dabo and Deshaun to remind me that yes, “ONLY God could make this possible”.

Despite Mark and Blake not going to church with us this past Sunday, I am also grateful for the message so clearly heard and humbled to see Morgan raise her arm in praise.  I knew in that moment that God was still clinging to her tightly.

The feelings which consumed my heart and mind last week were a hodge podge after Monique died.  So young, vibrant and needed by her family.  So beloved.  Yet, I was grateful to not be present while my younger sister attended the visitation.  I am not sure what this means except in my heart, I believed my absence could honor Mo, all the more.

This crazy political mess of the past two months has also driven a wedge in my spirit.  Why can’t the world see His truth more clearly?  So many thoughts on that one.

Mark and Jeri Blick losing their only son, a month shy of his twelfth birthday just breaks my heart for them.  Surely, God is sending us all very clear warnings to LOVE now. LIVE now.  LOVE more.  This is my pervasive thought.

As good of a mother or wife I may be in many ways, I am also tuned in to my shortcomings.  I am hyper sensitive to them in the moment.  Please, Father God, I ask for the strength to work through this path and be closer to you, as well as them, on the other side.  I love them so very much and anything I do which pulls me from you, pulls me from them. While I do not want to fail them in any way, I know it begins with not failing you and putting you first. Please forgive my shortcomings and confusion.  Please give me guidance to deal with all these hormonal-laced issues.  I desire to be a better daughter to you, wife to my husband and mother to my children.   Please, Lord, I praise you for all you have done for us and ask you for this strength in the name of Jesus Christ.