So much transpired in November and December which is not documented here.  It is all washing over me in the middle of the night and it is clear He is calling me to come clean.  The problem in this moment is that it is a jumbled mess of thoughts.  Rather than allow chaos to rule, or darkness to set in, I cried out, “Jesus, help me.”  The quick answer for now is to post the letter I wrote to my children to encourage them for the year ahead:

Blake & Morgan,                                                                                                     December 30, 2016

The past few years have been filled with so much love, phenomenal growth and so many special moments.  Seriously, we have been blessed immeasurably more than we ever dared to dream and we all know it.  When I consider just the material blessings of our home, lifestyle and vacations, it makes my head spin.  But the growth we have all had spiritually and emotionally knocks me off my feet and means so much more.  At 14 and almost 16, I understand how life can seem too busy to stop.  I understand that you don’t like to go back to basics and on some level, this letter may feel very basic to you both.  But, after much prayer, I keep getting the same answer.  The simplest truth is the most important one.   So, I am going to share what is on my heart in the least amount of words possible.

God has been very active in our lives.  Please don’t gloss over it and let them be quasi-empty words.   THINK about it:  Just over three years ago, we were still living at The Verandas., We started CV from that cramped apartment and Mark had to keep working out of state to pay our bills. After more than six months in business, we still had to roll hundreds of dollars in coins to get our bills paid.  We weren’t always sure how but we always believed God would provide if we did our part.   We stayed faithful in our tithing through it all.   God was actively leading our relationships with Him and each other.   In June of 2014, Mark was off the road full time and you two went to Camp Whatever.

It’s impossible to let everything after June 2014 soak in without giving all the glory to God.  When I think of how much He has shown us his presence in our lives and his love for us, I am speechless.  Again, the simplest truth is the most important one.   From the moment you were both saved, we have been repeatedly blessed.  The closer Mark and I grew in our own relationships with Jesus, we were blessed even more.  You two get baptized, have Winter Escape, YEC, Super Summer and tons of moments with your youth group.  God was active in all of that growth, no doubt.  I get baptized, Mark & I marry the following Sunday and BAM, BAM, BAM…our first cruise, our first real home together and so much more.  I believe God used another Winter Escape, YEC, Super Summer and your Experiencing God study to keep pulling you two back to Him this past year.

As hard as it is to admit, it is easy to forget the basics in our walk with Christ. We are human.  We ALL takes things for granted, at times.  We don’t intentionally forget or do it to hurt anyone.  It just happens.  Like any relationship, it’s normal to feel close and then feel distant.  I think I am supposed to make sure you both hear those exact words.  Any time you may feel distant from Him, trust me, He is still there loving you and anxious for you to seek Him out in your daily lives.  He wants us to open our hearts and our Bibles and hear Him.  As good as He has made our lives, I believe He wants to show us and grow us even more.

As we begin a new year, my prayer is that you will both pause and remember how God has been so active in your lives.  You know,  the moments He has lifted you up so high you felt like He gave you wings.  I want you to think of moments where you knew, unequivocally, with Him, ALL things were possible.  I also want you to remember when He has broken you to accept the depth of His love for you.  He only breaks us to make us stronger and to reshape us more in His image.  Being broken isn’t always a “bad” thing.   Remember how it felt to know that God was reaching out for you. I know you have both felt exactly what I am expressing.  Whatever those moments and truths are for each of you, my deepest prayer is that you will cling to them in 2017 and for the rest of your lives.

On a personal note, I am very proud of you both.  You are such intelligent and inherently good kids.  I love your humor and style that are developing unique to who each of you are as individuals.  I love those soft places in your hearts that I am blessed enough to experience in this life.  I appreciate your differences and love you both so very much.  And yes, I do pray daily that you learn to love each other better.   As much as I love you and would lay down my life for you, I know He loves you even more.  How?  He already gave His life for all of us.  Again, the simplest truth is the most important one.

You are both loved deeply and unconditionally. NEVER forget that, please.  I promise my next letter to you will be filled with silliness and examples of your awesomeness.   Happy New Year!

To the moon and back, baby.  Always,

Mom

I know the plans He has for me are good.  Jeremiah 39:11 is on my heart and in my brain, too.  When I flipped this morning, I did NOT flip to 39.  In fact, I flipped to the very tail end of chapter 39 and was drawn to read, feel, explore and learn more about Chapter 40.

I read several study guides to Chapter 40 and linked over to a blog on christianity.com   I picked a female name of someone I did not know. I  read several good points in different  posts and ended with this one:

“Dealing with such people can be extremely difficult. If you are in an abusive situation, you will need outside help to stay safe. But the best way to deal with the ordinary, run-of-the-mill terrorists is to address their behaviors by changing yours. Stop allowing yourself to get sucked in every time they throw a fit. Find ways to create space in the relationship. Set boundaries you will not allow them to cross without appropriate consequences. Decide that you will stop overfunctioning so they can stop underfunctioning. And don’t forget to pray for them while you’re at it.

It’s been almost a month since I’ve posted anything here.  I have not been faithful the past month in flipping my Bible open every morning.  For the first time since June, I bet I only flipped one in three days.   I’ve had moments through worship at church or in my car with music where I know God was telling me to get back to that special closeness with him.  He was talking and I was a petulant child desperately needing a nap.     In fact, I have been withdrawn, suffered physical pain and faced a storm of emotional and hormonal issues. I have been beaten down the past month and know much of it is direct spiritual warfare.   I know He is there and here for me.  I have been like a stubborn teenager who just wanted to hide from the world in my room.

If I must hide, I need to return to hiding in My God Room.  It’s the only place I am truly safe and secure; in His arms, in His word.  I don’t understand much of the mess in my head right now, but I know this to be true.

Father God, please forgive me for my distance and for not being the woman you surely created me to be.  Please draw me close, Lord, and back to your light so I may be empowered to share that light, and You, with others.  Thank you for protecting me through this storm and loving me through my humanness.  I love you. 

 

 

My heart is heavy today. In truth, it’s been heavy for over a week.  I have tried to find my comfort in Him and in prayer with little success.  A series of unrelated events have heaped more and more angst on my heart. 

Like I told a friend via text, between my kidney not being “good enough” and so many other things not being “good enough”, it was especially tough to have a joyous moment also not “good enough”.   It wasn’t the 120-ish hours or the 120-ish dollars which weighed me down, it was the hurt so freely flung at my efforts which tipped the scale.

The saddest part is that I allowed it to tip the scale.  It’s like seeing a freight train coming and standing right in front of it.  I knew it was not going to be good and I still could not move.  It makes zero sense.   It also made zero sense that others would find fault in not receiving a gift they wanted zero part in giving.

Logically, intellectually and spiritually, I know the things of this world do not matter.  Still, love DOES matter. Loving in action and deed is why we are here.  We are here to love because He loved us.    So, when we invest all of ourselves into love, it’s exponentially more devastating, perhaps, when it is harmed in any way. 

Maybe that is just some self-serving argument with myself to find peace.  “I was right to obey and love and they were wrong to be petty and selfish.”    I want so much to find the righteousness in it but that is only in Him.   Lord, please help me and give me the strength, clarity and discernment to heal and move forward. I can only do that with you.  In Jesus name, amen.

I have to laugh that I would ever be “catching up. ”  There is no such reality.  What I am doing is attempting, valiantly, to catch up.

Monday, I had dental surgery.  Tuesday, I learned that I am not a viable kidney donor.  Wednesday, I recovered and we had a glorious time at the chili dinner at church.  Thursday, I experienced Kari Jobe leading worship in concert with Rachel and Vix.  Friday, my husband left town. Friday night,  my car died and created late night drama.  Saturday, God let me breathe.  He gave our business a much needed boost and a breath deep in my lungs.  Today, Sunday, I was so completely worn out and feeling so yucky, I missed church.

But, I am, in fact, catching up.  I pray to do more of it later this week.

 

Thank you, Lord, for keeping me close in Esther and James, in spirit and deed.  Thank you for getting me through everything and for enduring everything possible for me.  I love you.

Mark went to the Titans game and we were both floored I flipped to 1 Chronicles today   We were talking the past two days about some financial and business challenges. Lord, we trust you, we love you and we ask you expand our territory.  

But he still gives us the freedom to make them.  Isaiah 8:6-8

The gently flowing waters of Shiloah refers to God’s gentle and sustaining care.  Thinking of baby Shingleton and how much of a testimony she is to God’s goodness.  

How perfect to leave the Oasis of the Seas with this message for the day.  

Although I haven’t posted the daily flip every single day, I take my photo every morning and have the dates recorded in my camera.  Mark and I discuss scripture and meaning every morning.  

Given we just returned from vacation, we have had conversations about how to handle business and home financial matters for our future.  Things are tighter at work and we have to plan to budget and be even better stewards of all He has blessed us with at this time.  

Yesterday and today, I was taken to scripture which drives the point of obedience home.  Thank you, Lord, for keeping me focused on obedience the past few months.  I know I say “obedience is not my strength”, yet I have come to believe you are changing that in me daily.  I love you and am beyond grateful for all the blessings which you have given me/mine while I put my obedience to you over human concerns.  Please give me the strength to remain an obedient light in all situations.  In Jesus’ name, I pray.