Two simple words changed my life.  Truth can be extreme. Until I shared the story of a marriage ending, “SEEK SUNSHINE” was a simple life motto inspired by my children. In sharing the story behind the phrase, those words became an intrinsic part of something far greater. This was originally written in Fall 2003 and published for the first time on MySpace in 2004. 

In the 20 years since I published it, the opening paragraphs have been lost to the internet. Until I can put my hands on a printed copy, I will share what has not been altered. The only part “lost” is the darkness which preceded this exchange with my son. At the time, he was just over 2 1/2 and my daughter had yet to celebrate her first birthday.

On this bleak August morning, my Little Man comes outside, looks at the dark sky above and practically cries, “Mama! Mama! NO SUN!!!!” My kids adore nature and everything about it. In any other situation, this could have been a toddler upset about the weather.

However, I recalled a time in my childhood when I felt confused or hurt by one thing and it was easier to tell my parents that something trivial or childlike was the issue. I saw my son basically doing the same thing. In my heart, all I could feel in that moment was his pain. Mine disappeared and his consumed me. I still get chills to remember just how much I felt his pain and how powerless I felt.

Literally, I could feel my son’s pain to my very core.

I honestly felt he was saying “look, I am really hurt and confused that the daddy I love so much will not be living here anymore. I love you both so much. I am confused. I am hurt and now the sun isn’t even shining”. Without even knowing it, I realized on some level that this moment was going to define the course of the rest of our lives.

All this in less than a minute or two. This is how I think and feel.

Feeling his pain, all I could do was kneel and look into those beautiful, cornflower blue eyes of his that always brought my Mamaw, Ruby Lee Cloer (mom’s mom) close to me. Ruby Lee Cloer died at 55, when I was only thirteen years of age. Her influence on my life is profound. I remember thinking of her love for me and mine for her …giving consideration to what she may have said to me in a similar moment.

Kneeling to be eye to eye, I gazed into those angelic eyes with so much love that I knew he must have felt it. I pointed to the darkest, biggest cloud right above our heads. I asked him if he saw it. He responded with some fear and trepidation, “Uh huh…The Big One?”

As I looked at his sweet face, I could feel strength begin to course through my veins. I spoke with conviction well beyond belief. 

“Yes, baby, the big one. Honey, the sun is right behind THAT cloud.”

I kid you not. Little Man’s expression immediately changed to joyous. God was in that moment. My Mamaw was in that moment. He put his little hands on my cheeks, smiled and said “Oh…SEEK SUNSHINE!” Like all the truths of the universe were revealed to him and it was really THAT simple. SEEK SUNSHINE. He was right, it is that simple.

To me, there was something poetic about everything I had ever read about “a little child will lead us” and how God sent his son to save us and my own child saving me.

We have said that phrase almost every day since their dad left. I painted the walls in my house yellow…to which my kids immediately proclaimed quite happily “Yeah…Sunshine!!!” It was my daughter’s fifth word. I have various sunshine symbols in our home. It is our life theme, if you will.

Now you know why I embrace my intuition and always seek the light in any darkness.

Roughly thirty thousand people loved this story in the first year it was posted. It would be fair to say it launched a substantial following for my writing MySpace. However, the blessings from that bastion of creativity are not kudos.  Reading back through blog comments from twenty years ago is a huge reminder of the wonderful humans I was blessed to love along the way…and those who loved me in return. The rest of that story is for another day.