I flipped this morning to Acts 4:12-26 and sent it to my son. 

Note:  These were all private for many years and with few exceptions, only shared with my husband.  However, God very much moved on 2/3/23.

To share with the public means I am called to redact any content which could be harmful or hurtful to others.  The beauty is how God gave me posts like this one for HIS GLORY, in HIS TIMING.

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Father God,

How perfect of you to insist I come to “your room” and share what has been going on the past week. 

You wake me from a much -needed rest and do not ask “nicely” that I come and write complete sentences at this hour.  No, you are the truest “Big Man” and you demand it.   You do not shout in a hateful way.  You do not yell.   Gently, like a Father holding their child’s hand, you compel me with the mighty power of your Holy Spirit.  You force me to rise from the bed with a sense of urgency to be obedient.  Despite my exhaustion, Lord, I am grateful to be able to be obedient.  I am beyond grateful for you.

I stumble downstairs and you tell me “the hour is important, the hour is now, the time is now.” Although you are not shouting or yelling, it feels like you are excited in my obedience.  In fact, it feels like  you are cheering me on to absorb this exact moment.  I check the clock and it is exactly 3:18.  You lead me to First John.   I am overwhelmed:

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but actions and in truth.  (NIV)

I can not thank you enough, Father God, for having your hand on me this entire week.  The volunteer effort has consumed me in service for Your Kingdom.  Every action, word or deed, has been directed by you.   Every little step was guided in love, being shown in actions and truth.   The prayers I have had for our church, YOUR church, especially with this volunteer scrapbook project were all echoed in prayer by another member of YOUR church, if not Hope Fellowship.  I love the irony and your sense of humor, Father God. I love that you let me in on the secret, or the joke, in a way that my heart can hear it and appreciate it more deeply each time.

Still, it is the past 36 hours which have been the most overwhelming.  By far, the most challenging situation possible.  Thank you for guiding my morning Bible flips to direction for each day, in every situation.  Between Timothy and Matthew, you certainly planted exactly what I needed in my heart to be the peace-making woman you wanted me to be in this time of extreme pain and stress.     I declared it yesterday that the only way I could have maintained composure, grace and truth ****DESCRIPTION OF SITUATION REDACTED**** in this situation was with YOU, Lord.  There was no other way.  Then again, there never is.

I am floored how you are reminding me that you are here with me.  Now.  In this moment.  Thank you for getting me out of bed to have this very private time with you.  I love you.

Just so I have them to reflect on more deeply in the future, here are the other places you took me this morning:

Matthew takes me to 18:3.  I think “I am not awake” but you tell me to note it:

³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Then Galatians 3:18 to remember The Law and The Promise

For if the inheritance depends on the law, then it no longer depends on the promise; but God in his grace gave it to Abraham through a promise.

Seriously?  I have not been in Ephesians in a hot minute:

¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

 Deuteronomy.

I commanded you at that time: “The Lord your God has given you this land to take possession of it. But all your able-bodied men, armed for battle, must cross over ahead of the other Israelites

And you tell me to stop with James.  Oh, how I love the toe-stomper.

Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

P.S.  “Go to your room” is not a punishment.  It was the perfect opportunity to be alone with you.  Please remind me to share this with Blake and Morgan when YOU want it shared. Again, you make me giggle.  It is now 4:18 and our hour is coming to a perfect close, as only you could plan.  Thank you, God.

The sun is shining and I am up entirely too early on a Saturday.  

Reading this gives me pause on the rule we laid out last night.   

Our small group has been in a study about forgiveness and true reconciliation. Two weeks ago, they prayed specifically for my situation with ***REDACTED***.  This past weekend, in the midst of a whirlwind of God Directed actions, there was a 35 minute conversation which cracks the door open.   That entire experience needs to be written out, but I must at least jot the relevance here.   Job told me Friday God woos us.  Oh, boy, does He ever!

Monday, after school, I had a very long conversation with my kids about turning up and tuning up their faith.  In particular, I shared the need for them to reach out and actively be Jesus to new kids or kids that aren’t connecting.  We talked about areas which they feel a disconnect, too.  By far, the best Godversation, ever, with the kids.

Mark and I were watching the fifth lesson for small group tomorrow and it struck me how relevant “spear throwers ” can be. In particular, I have it on my heart that there is an evil spirit lingering around and causing some dissent and drama.   It’s so odd to see Daul in us All.

Thank you, God, for a good day.  I am feeling more human and connected to you, my Mark and the entire world.

Make perfect sense.  When Jason said something about God “wooing us” at lunch yesterday, he had no clue that you had put that word, YOUR word, on my heart Friday. Well, not until the instant sob-fest on my part was explained.  Once again, 48 hours later, you take an odd detail and press it in my heart.  You are wooing us, indeed!

Thank you, Lord, for taking me to Psalms 144-145 and the study notes so early this Monday morning.   You knew I needed to hear directly from you.  Three straight days of singing such loud praise and pouring out love to so many people was quite possibly the most bold thing I have ever done in my life.  No doubt, it was the most rewarding and exhausting, as well. Please continue to teach me, guide me and lead me closer to you so that I may fulfill my purpose according to your will for me.  I ask you share the fire you have put in my heart with our congregation so that we may be stronger together than on our own.  In Jesus’ name, I pray.

The pain my body has been in and the lack of sleep which ensued likely made me an extra easy target for the enemy.  Admittedly, I already felt like “that girl who could not stop yapping about the boy she was in love with after one date”.  It is the closest comparison to what the enemy was whispering to me.  I know we have had hundreds of dates and I am married to you, Lord, in the spiritual sense.  But, that’s the enemy, right?  He started by telling me that I had failed my husband on this earth.  I am still battling that echo.  The enemy continued to build his case against me with his ridiculous propaganda.  The evil snake tells me I am not good enough to be their mother, His daughter, her new friend, his sister in Christ, to love others the right way or to bring His children home to Him . He whispers bad feelings into your heart and tells you that the countless praise exchanges for your King of Kings shouldn’t happen in bathrooms, parking lots or your business.  He tries to convince me that perhaps I am closer to qualifying for a mental ward than I could ever get to you, Jesus.  But I know the enemy is a big, fat liar.  I know because you have taught me, shown me, encouraged me and softened my heart while strengthening my spirit.

Thank you, God, for showing me the proverbial dragon, equipping me to drag those little snake butts into your light and giving me the tools to cut off their serpent heads with beady little eyes.  Thank you for helping me slay them, one by one.    I know they are chasing me only because I am chasing you.  I will contend for the faith as you have directed until my death.  I love you and rebuke their evil schemes against me with the power in the blood and in the name of Jesus Christ.  

The conversations you fueled at church yesterday were so beautiful. Thank you for the time with Rhonda, Alice, Tammy and Megan.  Thank you for lunch conversation with Angela and Terri, too.   You took the bulk of my physical pain away for almost two hours.  Then, last night, you showed off for me again.  I so love it when you do it!!! As I told the Ford’s in the parking lot, I should not be surprised you speak to me.  Although he is coming from a place of “precision”, I believe you have shown me clearly to come from a place of the heart. I believe as much as you want us to know your Holy Word, your biggest desire is that we live it and demonstrate your love for us to others.   I do believe your people of today are like the people of Paul’s time; different audiences need different approaches.  The way they almost cried when you doubled their portion by using me to share Isaiah 61:6-7 was humbling.  Their very real need is one you put in my heart to fill.  Once again, Grace wins through obedience.   I love that my husband understood the 45 minute delay and that you, Lord,  were absolutely using me for your purpose.

After being out of town, Mark and I spent three hours Saturday night talking about all you had done Friday and Saturday.  It took two hours to even get to the near miracle with my mother.  I cried just before we went to sleep, as the pain was quite bad.  I told him how terrible I felt because in the business of being obedient to you, I failed to get him an official birthday card to go with the virtual love fest I sent him.  We had already talked about not doing a birthday gift because of his trip with Paul to St. Louis coming up.  Still, I always have his birthday planned out and a gift;  it felt like I fell short.  He assured me I did not; I still feel that echo.  Then, our entire Sunday was spent talking about you.  We always talked about you in the past, but not to this extreme.

Please, Father God, I ask you place the depth of my love for my husband on his heart.  I love him so much that I push the envelope and share my love for you with him.  I know he loves you, too, Lord.  Thank you for letting us encourage each other and for giving me a husband who can always teach me more about you.  I ask that you place my love for him on his heart so that he never doubts how much YOU love him. 

After the past 72 hours, you knew I needed a good dose of spirit to refuel my heart.  Like any good father, you reached out to me with a warm hug this morning to comfort me in Psalms.  Just as I speak softly to my children when I awaken them, you spoke to me. ” Sweet child, I hugged you yesterday, I will hold your hand and wipe your tears today.  I promise you, this bond can not be severed.  I love you.  ”  Then, he asked me to trust him and share the message with everyone who could potentially hear my voice.  He called me to be super bold, before 5 am, without coffee.  Being obedient isn’t always comfortable:

You did  allow me to rest deeply afterward, until brother Craig rang our doorbell.  Groggy and still no coffee, we had an amazing 2.5 hour conversation about scripture and spirit.  More fuel.  Thank you, Lord.

And it’s beautiful.   Oh, so very beautiful, to know you are doing whatever He is calling to do to your God Directed Best.

I was instructed to move forward on a big project and reached out to someone who had been a voice of dissent. Nothing was more important than delaying my day and being obedient in the moment.  Long conversation, check.  Prayer. Check. More prayer because I really needed clarity. Check.    Reach out in love to the voice of dissent and speak encouragement.  Check.   Be very late to an earthly job to perform a more important Kingdom-focused task.   Check.   Anyone who knows me knows this is not how I typically operate on my own accord.

The day was long and exhausting, no doubt.

The initial dissent last Tuesday night was balanced with loving words.  It did not feel genuine, but I wanted to believe.  I chose to believe.  I remember how I prayed before responding in love.  I addressed all of her concerns and told her we were doing our God directed  best to not leave anyone out.  Each subsequent message of dissent seemed to make zero progress, as if she was trying to wear me down.  Each time, I prayed and responded completely and with love.  Today was no different.  Given direction to move ahead, I prayed about it.  It was clear I was supposed to reach out and include her in the process.  I was late to work, but it simply didn’t matter.  I needed to love her enough to include her with the truth that we were moving ahead on the project with enthusiasm, tempered with grace for her concerns.  Humbly, I asked for her help and thought she would feel better if she could see the weekly emails with “State of the Book” updates.  Well, she saw the message much earlier and four hours later, I received the coldest message possible.  No love.  Not a drop. She refuses to be involved and threw a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo at me.   I reached out in more love and asked that she harbor no ill will.  It softened her response, but I know where I stand.

With Him.  That’s where I stand.  I will cling to His spirit of trust and adventure and approach every task He sets before me with God-directed enthusiasm and faith.  I had never once used that expression in my life until last Tuesday night.  It does not surprise me I used that expression in the first email response to her initial objections.   Now, four days later, once the yucky drama unfolded, He shows me why he puts those exact words on my heart.  Thank you, God.

My husband’s birthday was today and he is out of town. Time is short, but I know today’s flip is especially relevant.  I am still praying about the situation with my mom and how to best reconcile.  Thank you, Father God, for guiding my thoughts.  Please, Lord, do not let her be godless in heart and continue to harbor resentment.   

To hear He is wooing me from distress applies on so many levels.  Woo me, Lord.  I know nothing compares to you and I will never grasp the fullness of you on earth.  But, I am ready to hear your message.  I am ready to listen. I am ready to embrace your Holy Spirit.  I am ready to take action.